Apr 12, 2005

Manic Panic:

So, for the past couple of days I've been suffering from free-floating anxiety such as I haven't experienced since my teens. I guess this isn't as bad because I have more self awareness now and I recognize the horrible feeling for what it is, take a deep breath. I can usually talk myself out of hyperventilating, but the anxiety is still sitting right there like an itchy tickly sick feeling in my diaphragm.

I’ve handed in all my papers, and I only have one more exam that I’m not very worried about. I think part of this anxiety is coming from a feeling that I didn’t do my best work on my term papers. Or maybe that is the wrong way of putting it; I did the best I could with the time I had. It is funny, I don’t think of myself as a perfectionist in fact I suspect I’m lazy and have a short attention span, but I have a tendency to edit sentence by sentence rather than paragraph by paragraph. I worry too much about word choice and forget my overarching theme. I’m afraid to get my papers back because I don’t remember what I wrote. Of course, I have copies, but I can’t bring myself to look at them right now because in the clear light of day I’ll probably see a huge flaw that it is too late to fix.

For example, did I remember to explain *how the Afro is a form of accommodation to the sub-culture of Black Power nationalism?

Did I explain fully enough the function of ethnographic art in creating national identity?

Did I use enough examples to justify my argument that social Darwinism merely added to the discursive language of empire and didn’t create racialist arguments that were pre-existing?

I’m still really interested in the research I was thinking of doing for a Masters project, but I wonder if it would be better to do it as an independent project. Part of my project idea involved documentary video, I thought I would do something combining video and text that could be pretty easily developed into course content for the history department, the women’s studies department, or even the publishing department. But I think it’s time for me to get a job. I think school is bad for my mental health.

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