Jan 13, 2006

Miss Representation

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So, I haven't been posting much lately and when I do it's usually about something safe and boring. True, I never poured out my soul on this blog. There have been times I've wanted to and there have been times - after the fact - when I've been glad I didn't. Normally I only have about four visitors per day, and that's fine with me. At least I've been able to think that if I did post something indiscreet, I'd only have to kill four people.

I'M KIDDING!

I was surprised by my nomination for a BoB, especially since I was nominated in the art-blog category. I've never really decided what this blog is about, so now I know. The trouble is that since I hung up my camera for a vacation, I haven't had anything to post. Since I still don't have anything "arty" to post, I guess I'll revert back to my usual posting style which consists of banal blathering speckled with a couple of pretty photographs - handy distractions.

Actually, I've been having a rough time lately. It's been interesting to read comments by people on my photos though, and note that I always project such optimism. Andrew at one point commented, "I think your life is just one beautiful event after another." At the time I thought to myself, "if only that were true!" When he made that comment, I was at the tail end of a downward spiral that felt familiar, and yet all my usual "tools" were useless. Oh, it wasn't that bad in retrospect, and it didn't last terribly long. I probably made a bigger deal of it than was necessary. I've suffered from depression most of my life and a bout doesn't usually last very long. This time though, I leaned on the wrong person. Too much weight too quickly, and I broke the poor camel's back.Or at the very least was annoying, needy, clingy and projectile vomited a bloody pool of psychic woe on his best shoes. Sorry about that. Live and learn I guess. How strange that I can simultaneously feel such darkness and despair, and see so much beauty in the most mundane objects.

I've been "head-hunted" for a job in a creative field which I'm quite excited about. the job title is "Production Designer". I've never done this job before but it combines my research background with work in the arts where my interest in color and photography and design will be a benefit. At this place if they say, "you certainly are a creative force!" they wont mean it as an insult. What a revelation! I have a formal meeting with the HR manager and the CCO (Chief Creative Officer) on Wednesday next week. In the mean-time I'm pulling together the fragments of a portfolio I had given up on ever having an opportunity to use.

I realize it's a luxury to be able to take the time necessary to change career paths. I could have taken a job months ago that would have been fine, but instead I've been determined not to go back to my old job, or a job just like my "Old job". I underestimated how difficult it would be, how long it would take. But things are looking up. There are three job prospects on the horizon, one of them reads like it was created just for me.

As far as my grad-school plans go, I've come to the realization that I'm too easily influenced by what other people think. Having said though, I have more or less decided to do my MAS (masters in archival studies). What I have wanted is for someone to tell me, "do this and when you're done you can have this job." That isn't going to happen. Instead I have to think bigger, about what my interests are, and where my talents intersect. One of the reasons I wanted to do a masters in history is because I had a specific project idea in mind, but on further reflection, I've come to the conclusion that I can and probably will tackle that project independently anyway. My protracted job search has lead me to realize that what I *really* want is a vocation. I don't so much care if it is my "calling" or not. Not any more. My calling is always going to be fiddling with my camera and dabbling at bits of writing and as much travel as I can afford. That's it. If I could find the ideal career it would be one that involves toodling around, exploring stacks of information and drawers full of treasures. That's kind of what an archivist does. Some of them anyway. And contrary to the view of a friend who likes to remind me not to get enthusiastic about things, I don't think the employment prospects are all that bleak. Or I could be wrong.

And that's where I'm at this week. My camera battery is charged up and I'm ready to get back to "work". I should have more to post on Monday.


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